Punch Gun

For anyone who likes to publicize the details of their everyday lives to their Facebook friends: nobody gives a shit about you, what you think, how you feel, what you had for lunch, or how great your kids are, because they’re not. My kids are better.

God is like that lamentable, absentee parent: always telling you what to do, but is never around to be a good role model.

The Devil loves metal music…and cookies.

…sour cream and onion flavored anything tastes fucking awesome. But it sure makes your mouth smell like your ass when it farts.

The bad thing about optimisim is that it is nowadays false and opportunistic. In the age of “life coaches”, optimisim comes at a price. It is as marketable as a pair of sneakers. People naturally want to feel happy so they seek out optimism, which, in turn, contorts it into a commodity to be sold by TV personalities and on t-shirts.

Fuck you, Oprah. Get a soul.

Wearing hats is a tricky proposition. When a person wears a hat, he or she is saying, “Fuck you! I’ve got self-confidence, and charisma, bitch!” That’s why not everybody can wear a hat. That’s why those rich aristocrats who attend the Escot races wear stupid crazy hats. They don’t care if you think they look silly. Their hats are an extension of their wealth and station in high society. Their appearance and identity are beyond criticism because they’ve got the affluence and the socio-political status to back them up. And a way to display that to the world is to wear a hat.

This poor rabbit came to our backyard to die. The kids were rather enthralled with seeing a dead animal (should I be worried?). I gave it a burial inside my garbage can.

RIP. You will be remembered.

Upon completing assembling an Ikea kitchen table, my mother-in-law said to me, “Well, it’s not like you people, who sit on the floor.”

For the record, I’m Taiwanese. And all this from a woman who has known me for almost twenty years.

And to give the Japanese people credit, they do sit in chairs.

People who constantly use “real” as an adverb. Saying “sick” to mean “cool”. Mothers who push their strollers on the road, NEXT to the sidewalk. Sarah Palin. Giving out bibles to kids on Halloween. Couples who get pet dogs before they have children. Drivers who don’t signal when merging. Chatty cashiers. Shoppers waiting in line, but not using the time to fill out their checks. People who still use checks.

This is what happens when I’m left to my own devices…nothing.